Category Archives: Melissa’s Musings and Doodlings

Musings, original paintings, and sketches from life as I see it

Wildlife Painting and Website Update

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I’ve been in a slump since losing Rowan and haven’t done much painting at all. I have been filling sketchbooks, one with nearly daily sketching of birds, people, and life in general; and the other with stories and sketches from Rowan’s life, but I just couldn’t manage to do a full painting. However, I did finally get my brushes wet last week, and a tiger came to life on my easel. I’ve often found that when I’m feeling stuck as far as art goes, painting wildlife gets me going again, and this was no exception.

I wonder if one reason wildlife inspire me is that they struggle for survival every day, all on an individual level and some on the species level, and they don’t give up; they just keep on doing what they were made to do. That’s what I am ready to do again, and I’m especially hoping to do a number of paintings of endangered, threatened, or vulnerable wildlife and then donate a portion of the proceeds from the sale of those paintings to an appropriate wildlife conservation organization, sometimes a local group (for example our local bird club or the Wolf Conservation Center in South Salem, where I sketch wolves) or to a larger organization, such as the Wildlife Conservation Society. I figure that allows the purchaser and me to be partners in supporting the cause of species needing help.

I’ve also just updated my website. A number of people have asked whether I’m listing new paintings in my ETSY shop, and for now I am not planning to. It’s a bit of a hassle to list them there, and I didn’t get much traffic, so at this time I’m planning to focus on my website (including this blog) and on facebook. So, if interested in something you see on my facebook page or this site, please email me (naturepainter@hotmail.com) or contact me on facebook. Most pieces are for sale, even if details aren’t listed with the image.

Tiger! Watercolor & Ink 8″ x 8″ $250 Tigers are the largest members of the cat family and are generally solitary for much of their lives. Several species of tigers have become extinct in the last century, and the remaining six species are endangered due to habitat destruction and poaching.

 

Art Exhibit and Holiday Sale

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I just finished hanging twenty-two pieces, mostly watercolors, plus a few ink drawings, at the East Fishkill Community Library. I’ll have quite a few more paintings, some framed and some just matted, there just for the opening reception tomorrow evening, but the pieces that are hanging will be there until the 26th.

A number of my paintings are wildlife, some of them endangered species, and I will be donating a portion of the proceeds from the sale of any of those to an appropriate wildlife conservation organization– the Wolf Conservation Center and the Wildlife Conservation Society are two I have in mind. I’m open to suggestions of other worthy organizations.

Opening reception– Friday, December 2–   6:00 to 7:30PM

 

Musings on Grief and Advent

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I thought I was doing a little better about losing Rowan, but I’m not. I think I was just distracted by preparing for my art show and also a bit numb, and now reality is hitting hard, really hard. No matter how tired I am, when I lie down to sleep, my mind starts going and going, and sleep is impossible for hours. I know it was Rowan’s time and he needed me to let him go. I did it for him because I never wanted to take the chance he would suffer or panic, and we were coming very close to that point. I will always be thankful for the clarity I had about the timing, so that I could give him the gift of a peaceful, gentle departing, but I can hardly bear it that he’s not here with me anymore.

I know it could be much worse. Stephen is here with me. My family and close friends are alive and, for the most part, in good health. As incredibly hard as it is to have lost Rowan, I know that losing any of them would be much, much more devastating. But, while that does help me keep some perspective, it doesn’t lessen the intensity of my grief for Rowan.

Unlike any of those people, Rowan was with me almost all the time for most of his thirteen years, so I feel his absence acutely throughout the day (and night, when I’m not able to sleep). Nearly everything reminds me of him, like the loud sound of my electric kettle lid closing, which bothered him, so I automatically look up to reassure him. Or the early dark of these late fall evenings, when Rowan and I would often go outside, just the two of us, to walk and play in the dark yard together. Or every time I head out the door to go someplace and start to think that it’s cool enough out to take Rowan in the car with me. Even those words, “with me,” which almost always got Rowan to leap up and dance in front of the door so he could go “with me” wherever I was going. And so much more, all day, every day.

Several wonderful people have reminded me that grief is grief, whether for a person or a beloved dog. I know that is true, and I know it’s going to be a long time before the sharpness of this pain softens and the many good memories cause me to smile rather than sob, but it is hard to know how to be and do life in the meantime, especially in this holiday season. I’ve been busy with show prep, matting and framing paintings, which has required a lot of focus. While I’m doing that, I can feel fairly normal at first, but a fog of sadness gradually creeps in, almost without me noticing, until finally the fog obscures nearly everything and I am exhausted and overwhelmed once again. And if I stay busy too long or too late in the day and don’t spend time feeling and processing the grief that is always there, I am all the more likely to churn wakefully through long hours of the night. I know this will get better someday, but right now that someday seems a terribly long ways off.

So I guess I need to take extra time to ponder and be and journal and process, and I guess this year that is going to be a big part of my focus for Advent, the four weeks leading up to Christmas. Not my usual Advent focus, but maybe not entirely inappropriate, as I think of Jesus, who came to live and die and show us God’s love, God’s comforting, redeeming, renewing love. In my calmer moments I can turn my thoughts to him and be thankful for his many gifts, including the wonderful gift of his love expressed to me through Rowan. And I trust that in my less calm moments he is right here with me, caring about and understanding my grief, because he came to live life on this earth, experiencing the pain and grief that comes with being human.

My sweet boy on his last morning

 

Farewell, my sweet Rowan

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At Artists Bluff, NH September 2010

Bright, golden eyes, watching me everywhere; a little bob of his head, as he sat figuring me out; silky, soft fur, soothing to my soul; gentle whiskers, brushing my face ever so softly; sweet, steady presence by my side, walking through thirteen years.

Today I said good-bye to a big piece of my heart. My sweet Rowan has been in my life for a little over thirteen years, but it feels as though he was never not with me. How can he be gone now? It doesn’t seem possible, and yet the emptiness of the house tells me it is true.

There is so much to say, so many stories he wrote on my heart, like no other dog I’ve ever known, but they will have to wait for another time. Right now my heart is broken and still trying to grasp this new reality.

I am so thankful for the past two and a half months since Rowan’s diagnosis of nasal cancer. He had been declining for a while, but when we started him on prednisone in August, his life, energy, and joy were renewed, and we had a marvelous fall together, walking, hiking, playing, hanging out. And this past weekend he had a wonderful time with our grandson, Paul, something I had always hoped for him, since Rowan always adored children, and I knew he’d love our grandchildren.

Today Rowan’s time ran out. I knew the time was drawing near, and I wanted to let him go in peace before his joy in life was gone. He was tired but still happy. He chased a ball one final time (only a few feet, but he grabbed it and held it happily); walked with me in the driveway looking up with his wonderful smile of connection; and rode in my car– one of his most happy places, because he always knew I was near if he was in the car. He was in the car with his head on my lap as we said good-bye for now.

Here’s a poem I wrote about Rowan a few months ago:

He’s always been more human than dog,
holding my heart within his frame,
mirroring my soul in his golden eyes,
small fleck of blue a hint of heaven.

When I’m broken inside but don’t know to cry
he bears my pain and helps me feel it
hurting with my hurt till I seek healing
and we both are whole again.

Hide and seek, approach and retreat,
his favorite games the play of my life.
Disconnect, reconnect, laugh with delight,
my soul in Rowan’s eyes, my joy in his smile.

Rowan, thank you for all you have been for me. I thank God for bringing you into my life and teaching me so much about His love through your sweet presence with me. You have touched my soul in ways no one else could have, and I will always carry the imprint of your soul in mine.

Rowan and me

Sketching in the Rain

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I love rain! The pattering sound works solace for my soul. For an introvert it’s also often more peaceful walking in the rain, because so many people stay inside, leaving the road or trails to me and the few other people who don’t worry about melting. When I was running track or cross country in high school, I usually finished third or fourth in races– unless it was a rainy day. Then I often won, because I found the rain invigorating, while most of the other runners were psyched out by it.

I also love sketching, but it’s not always easy to blend the two. A couple of weeks ago I was sketching wolves at the Wolf Center when it started to rain, and suddenly my pencil ground to a halt on my paper. The paper in my sketchbook was heavy enough to stand up to getting rained on, but it turns out that graphite pencils don’t work on ordinary wet paper. No problem; I switched to a watercolor pencil and continued to sketch the wolves. That worked okay, but I really prefer the finer lines and detail I can get with my trusty mechanical pencil with .7mm or .9mm lead or with my favorite– a Ticonderoga No. 1 (extra-soft) pencil sharpened to a good point.

When I came home from that sketching session, I did a bit of research and found the “All Weather Sketchbook” by Rite in the Rain. My order arrived last week, and I’ve been eagerly awaiting a rainy day, so I could test it out. Today fit the bill, with heavy rain off and on all afternoon. I hurried out with watercolor pencils to draw the remaining colorful trees in our yard– I really love the soft look of fall colors on a rainy day. At first that worked beautifully, but as it rained harder, my drawing liquified and ran off the paper (onto me). At that point I pulled out my Ticonderoga pencil to sketch a tree that has already lost all its leaves. It worked wonderfully! This paper is really cool and stood up to getting heavily soaked. And now I don’t need to take weather into account when I schedule sketching trips to the wolf center or zoo!

Sketching in the rain
Sketch on Rite-in-the-Rain paper

A Time for Everything… but Not Time for Everything

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I’m pondering these words and thoughts today. There is a time for everything, but there certainly isn’t time for everything. I’ve been feeling stretched thin recently, between having an older dog, most likely in his final months (a sobering reminder that his time to die is approaching), and spending more time visiting and helping my parents as they get older. Nathaniel and Meghan will soon be in NYC, bringing our two delightful grandchildren to the East Coast for a month, so I am very much anticipating a time to visit and to babysit (a time to laugh). I’m also doing what I can to help Arielle with her wedding planning (a time to dance!). This is just a small sampling of what’s been on my plate recently or will soon be on it, and I’m realizing my plate is overly full.

I have been preparing for and leading lively Sunday morning discussions on Sabbath and rest, which takes a lot of time, but also reminds me weekly of the need for downtime, for quiet, renewing and refreshing time in God’s presence (a time to be silent). As I take some time to be quiet and evaluate how I’m spending my time, I am realizing that it is time to drop some of what I am doing, so that I can fully appreciate the things that it is really time for.

Time is passing, as it always does, and I want to be sure I don’t miss that which is important. When Rowan needs extra attention, as he does more and more, I want to be relaxed enough to be fully present with him. When I am, I cherish that time, knowing that it is precious and irreplaceable. When my parents have an appointment or would like to have lunch with me, I want to be available and not rushed, fully present with them and enjoying the time together. When my children and grandchildren are here, I want to be a relaxed mom and grandmother, ready to sit on the floor and play with blocks, calm enough to peacefully rock a crying baby if needed. And through it all, I value evening walks with Stephen and quiet times hanging out together (hopefully soon by the fireplace, if it’s cool enough).

And now it’s fall, my favorite season of the year, and time outside enjoying nature adds color to all of life. Sketching, whether autumn colors from our deck, or birds at the feeder, or wolves at the wolf center, calms my soul, helping me to be quiet and still enough to notice with wonder God’s fingerprints in the world around me, so easily missed when I rush through packed days. And then I am more likely to hear his still, small voice helping me sort through all I could do to know what is best to do.

I will probably post some musings and prayers in the coming weeks, but won’t be doing so regularly, as that is one of the things I’ll be letting go as other things take priority. This week I will especially be pondering these verses. I think most of us are familiar with the thoughts in verses 1-8, but as I read verses 9-14 this morning, I was really struck by the peace of verses 11-13, and I am writing them out to post on my desk this week.
    There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

Enjoying evening light from our front deck

Positive Perspective- Musings and Prayer

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There is so much in the news right now, between natural disasters, interpersonal violence, and ugly politics that if I dwell too much on those situations and issues I can easily feel overwhelmed and discouraged. I need to remind myself to focus on what is good and right and beautiful, in order to keep a positive perspective, even while considering how to respond to the various situations that present themselves. In fact, I find that, rather than being an escape, focusing on that which is good helps me then have a better idea of how to respond appropriately and constructively to situations that need my attention.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.    Philippians 4:8

We can choose what we allow our minds to dwell on. In this passage Paul points us in the direction of uplifting meditation.

Monday: Let’s discipline our minds today to focus on things that are just and honorable. Pray for a growing ability to recognize truth.

Tuesday: Let’s ask God to give us an appreciation for purity and true beauty, then look for such things today.

Wednesday: Do you tend to dwell on that which is commendable or that which is unattractive in others? Choose to focus on others’ strengths and see how that affects your attitude and speech.

Thursday: Throughout today let’s be alert for excellence, whether man-made or in creation, and stop to think about what makes it excellent.

Friday: Let’s look for reasons to praise God and people today. Be sure to give sincere praise wherever praise is due.

Saturday: Think about these things… Make the choice to dwell on that which is good and uplifting and encouraging.

Autumn Maple

Vermont Vacation

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Stephen and I got home yesterday from a glorious, restful week away in Vermont. We stayed in a charming one-room cabin with our three dogs, enjoying fresh air, gorgeous mountain views, and no schedule. The cabin and its deck overlooked beautiful pastures, a valley with a lake, and a backdrop of mountains. We watched the sunset nearly every evening, and most evenings we sat on the deck watching the stars slowly appear, with shooting stars flying across the sky several nights. The Milky Way was clearly visible, as were stars without number, because there were no houses lighting up the night around us.

This was one of the few times Stephen and I have gone on a vacation just for the two of us, and the first time we’ve taken the dogs on a vacation without lots of extended family, so we really enjoyed time together with each other and with our wonderful dogs. We intentionally didn’t plan much, and although we ended up doing a fair amount of hiking, we had slow, low-key mornings every day and plenty of time to sit on the deck enjoying the view and each other’s company. We were each reading good books and I was sketching a lot, so we had lots of quiet time and then good discussion about what we had been reading. So refreshing and a wonderful reminder of how well-suited we are for each other.

Sunset from the cabin deck
Belmont, VT sunset sketch

We hiked most days, some easy hikes that even Rowan could manage, one that Petra and Milo went on, one that only Petra joined us for, and one that we didn’t think would be good for any of the dogs (turned out it would have been fine for Petra). It was great having the dogs along, and I am so happy and thankful that Rowan is doing so well on prednisone that he was able to really enjoy our vacation.

Petra discussing the hike with Stephen (actually asking why in the world we’re sitting still and not hiking at this moment)
Hanging out while I sketch
Milo- looking good for twelve and a half years old!
Rowan enjoying water, as always
All my furry guys around me while I sketch a waterfall
Hiking on a deserted forest road
White Rocks Cliff Overlook
Rowan making his funny puffed lips face — always makes me smile 🙂

One day it was so foggy we couldn’t see more than a short distance from the deck. We could hear the occasional car on the nearby road but see nothing, so we stayed inside most of the day, the cabin cozy with the stove running (a gas stove that looks like a wood stove), and read almost all day long. I always love having one cozy, quiet day like that on a vacation.

Foggy day in Belmont, VT sketches
Fog in Belmont, VT sketches

DSCN6532

Milo in his favorite place by the stove

One day I laid a track through several fabulous pastures and then tracked it with Milo, which is always so much fun for both him and me. He did wonderfully, as usual, and I loved the connection with my amazing Beagle. I made a map of our track in my sketchbook, since I didn’t have Milo’s Tracking Log with me and then watercolored over it.

Milo tracking
Milo’s tracking map

This week reminded me of one of the times Jesus led his disciples away to get some rest:
Jesus said, “Come off by yourselves; let’s take a break and get a little rest.” For there was constant coming and going. They didn’t even have time to eat. So they got in the boat and went off to a remote place by themselves. Mark 6:31-32 The Message

Rest for your Soul

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Sometimes life feels overwhelming and exhausting, and the last thing we want is another obligation, yet it seems like there’s always more that needs to be done. In our Sunday morning discussion of Sabbath rest yesterday, we spent most of the hour delving into Jesus’ invitation to come to him, rest, and learn from him. Jesus invites those who are weary and burdened; let’s come to him this week and receive his refreshing peace.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Monday: Do you tend to view with spending time with God as a duty or a privilege? Meditate on Jesus’ words in this passage and ponder what they say about time with him.

Tuesday: Jesus invites us into his presence. We don’t need to make an appointment or be in church or make ourselves worthy- he invites each of us now, wherever we are. Spend some time with him today and thank him for welcoming you.

Wednesday: We don’t have to come to Jesus all upbeat and happy. He invites us to bring our burdens to him and to come when we’re weary and in need. Bring your troubles to Jesus, and rest. Just rest.

Thursday: Jesus tells us to take his yoke upon us, to walk in step with him, and that we’ll find his yoke easy and light. Walk in his ways him and talk with him throughout the day today.

Friday: Jesus is gentle and humble. Think about what grace this is for us, when he is also Lord of all. Pray for the ability to likewise be gentle and humble with those over whom you have power or influence.

Saturday: It is only in Jesus that we can find true rest for our souls. Come to him, learn from him, and receive the peaceful rest he gives.

Close of Day

All are welcome to join us for our discussions about rest and Sabbath on Sunday mornings from 9-10. More information below…

Come join us!

Perspective in the midst of Injustice- Musings and Prayers

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There is more than enough injustice in the world, and sometimes we can get very stuck when confronted with it, whether in the public arena or in our personal lives. How can we deal with injustice without getting tied up in knots or overwhelmed by it, without giving in to discouragement or exploding in unproductive anger? This week let’s see what Psalm 37 tells us about moving from agitation to peaceful trust.

Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
 for like the grass they will soon wither,
    like green plants they will soon die away.

 Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:
 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

 Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him…
Psalm 37:1-2, 5-7

Monday: What is your natural response to injustice and evil? Anxiety? Anger? Agitation? Discuss the situation and your feelings with God and listen for his response.

Tuesday: It’s easy to slip into being resentful or envying others and their achievements. Let’s examine our attitudes today to see if we’re motivated by envy in any way.

Wednesday: God assures us that those who do evil will not last forever. Pray for faith to have this perspective and to be able to trust God in the meantime, even when it seems that evil has the day.

Thursday: Instead of fretting, we can commit our way to God and trust in him. This isn’t always easy, but let’s ponder how powerful and trustworthy he is and commit ourselves to following him.

Friday: If we commit our way to God and trust in him, we can count on him to make the justice of our cause clear before others. Let’s ask him to help us continue to trust and live in a way that honors him.

Saturday: Let’s take time today to be still before God, quieting our whirling minds and churning thoughts, and waiting patiently for him to act in his time.

Salt marsh watercolor